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Product details
File Size: 2247 KB
Print Length: 238 pages
Page Numbers Source ISBN: 1610398009
Publisher: PublicAffairs; 1 edition (January 15, 2019)
Publication Date: January 15, 2019
Sold by: Hachette Book Group
Language: English
ASIN: B07CWQSKKS
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#28,195 Paid in Kindle Store (See Top 100 Paid in Kindle Store)
Years ago, on a blind date, the young man and I discovered we had a mutual acquaintance. I'll call her Lucy, and she'd been a housemate of mine for about a year. "So sad about her husband and son and that car bomb," he said. "Why are you laughing? That's horrible." And it would have been horrible if true, but when I'd lived with her two years before, the only husband I'd heard about was the groom she said she'd ditched the night before the wedding after being caught in bed with two of the fourteen bridesmaids."Did she tell you about the kidney transplant? " I asked."No it was brain surgery," he said. "That steel plate sets off metal detectors."And so it was with interest I picked up Duped, hoping to find out what makes people like Lucy and Ellin's Commander tick. Abby Ellin writes in a breezy, self-deprecating style. (She'd have to - she almost married a guy who told her on their first date that he'd examined Osama Bin Laden at Gitmo and even the President didn't know he'd been captured. Super secret - shhhhhhhh.) With an extensive list of footnoted sources, Ellin has compiled a collection of dupers and dupees and quotes various psychologists on why some people like to lie.Maybe there's not one, but it bothered me a bit that Ellin seems to make little distinction between self-aggrandizing fabulists like the Commander and adulterers, embezzlers and fugitives. I get why people lie not to get caught at something, although the scale of deception in some of her anecdotes is truly mind-boggling. I wanted insights into the people who make up stuff just because. She's also more sympathetic to liars like eco-terrorist Peter Young and double agent Kim Philby than I would be. "Oh to have such loyalty to a cause greater than myself!" (p 56, ARC). She never once mentions the hundreds of people killed thanks to Philby's information. Later in the book she talks about the PTSD suffered by Bernie Madoff's victims, but couches it in terms of an emotional response to betrayal (many of them were "Jewish, like Madoff") rather than the shattering of their financial stability. Both of those omissions are books on their own, but the lack of acknowledgement rankled.The book touches briefly on people who lie about their gender or gender preferences, which leads to a discussion about blaming the dupe. There's a chapter on women liars, and the book wraps up with a look at the dubious usefulness of polygraphs. A few casual digs at Republicans and the Trump administration are scattered as humor and will ultimately date the book. Overall I'd been hoping for more psychology and fewer anecdotes.
Ellin’s depiction of her former fiancé was such that I expected him to don a cape at their first meeting. Words like “swashbuckling rogue†immediately sprang to mind. Any man who mentions “secret missions†and the CIA, while spouting off the names of his famous alleged acquaintances, sounds suspicious and more like a boastful kid playing spy than a potential mate. Perhaps he was charming and convincing, but there were so many red flags here. Ellin seemed caught up in the whirlwind, drama and excitement, blithely excusing the lies and discrepancies. A rapid romance with all the right words and props, but little substance or reality. Effusive declarations of adoration too soon, then expectations quickly set low by small disappointments and evasions. Easier to see and say from a distance, than when in the midst of it, but love takes time to develop. The speed of the courtship alone was reason enough for legitimate concern. The “Commander†engineered a relationship with all the requisite trappings, but I just envisioned him onstage, acting out scenes in a sweeping emotional saga where he was the quintessential star, at least in his own mind. When Ellin finally realized his deliberate trickery, and the clouds cleared, her book then becomes more about the history of deception, why people opt to deceive and how to spot these stealthy perpetrators. Interesting research and interviews in this portion of the book. No one is immune to deception, and Ellin’s story describes the havoc and bewilderment that duplicity can render. Women are particularly vulnerable as we are often steeped in stubborn fairytales, when common sense, facts and discernment are required. A good read.
Abby Ellin tells such a riveting story of being duped, you won't be able to put her new book down. What I love is she doesn't blame and shame. When a woman is conned, everyone blames the victim. But Ellin doesn't. She tackles the trauma of being duped with empathy. This isn't just her story; she uses her reporting chops to tell other people's stories too, including that of double agent Kim Philby's treachery. I gobbled it up.
Even if you've never been duped, you've got to wonder about what motivates those conmen and why anyone would fall for their antics. Well, wonder no more. This is no con when i tell you that Ellin is a witty and smart writer. You'll be gripped by the narrative and intrigued by the science of it all.
I hate to leave any negative review, but this book seemed to me to be disjointed and poorly written. I was fascinated by the story when I heard the author's interview on NPR and was wanting to hear the whole story so I bought the book both hardback and ebook so I could start reading right away. After reading the first 50 pages or so, I felt like she had written her memoir out and an editor asked her to add more history from her life, so the story lops back and forth awkwardly in an unnatural and forced way. I shared this book with a close family member who worked for the DEA thinking that she would enjoy the story and theme, but she called me and said the same thing! She wanted to love it, but found it disjointed and not very well written. I love non fiction, and this is just my opinion, I just wish it lived up to my expectations. I'm still happy that the author took the time to share her experience and expose the commander in hopes of helping other women in the same situation.
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